I believe that feeling heard and understood can create space for greater self-awareness, healing and change.

If you’ve ever delayed responding to a text because you couldn’t find the right words, spent hours researching a simple household item because you weren’t totally sure which one to buy, or stayed up until 3 a.m. trying to craft the perfect essay — you’re not alone.

Perfectionism is a common companion of anxiety and it is usually well intentioned. You may want to meet personal expectations or avoid letting others down. People often say their perfectionism motivates them to reach their goals and in some instances, it deeply reflects what matters to them.

But there’s another side to perfectionism — one that’s often driven by fear:

• Fear of what others might think if your work isn’t flawless.

• Fear of making the “wrong” decision.

• Fear that a single misstep could have bigger consequences than it actually would.

When these fears start to take hold, perfectionism can begin to have a negative impact. The constant pressure to get everything right or make everyone happy can lead to worry, guilt, and stress. Over time, that internal pressure can chip away at self-esteem, leaving you feeling like nothing you do is ever enough.

Therapy can offer a space to explore the origins of your perfectionism and how it’s affecting you. But there are also small steps you can take at home to start loosening its grip.

Three Tips to Begin Tackling Perfectionism

1. Learn the difference between “Maximisers” and “Satisficers.” American psychologist Barry Schwartz talked about this concept in his 2004 book The Paradox of Choice. Maximisers feel the need to gather all available information before making a decision, while satisficers do just enough research to feel confident their choice meets the key criteria — and then move on.

Constantly operating as a maximiser is mentally exhausting. Give yourself permission to sometimes be a satisficer.

2. Practice compassionate self-talk. Perfectionism is often fuelled by a harsh inner critic - "you're not good enough", "you can't get this right". Try to notice when that voice shows up and intentionally soften it. Speak to yourself as you would to a friend — with understanding, kindness, and encouragement. Alternatively, bring to mind a compassionate voice that spoke to you in your younger years or even as an adult. It could be a colleague who noticed that you were struggling and commented that you're doing a good job or that you are enough. Just don’t channel your high school netball coach who yelled, “You can’t play catch-up netball in a grand final!”

3. Experiment with imperfection. Perfectionism is often fueled by beliefs like, “If I don’t get this perfect, I’m a  failure.” Try gently challenging that belief. Do something to a satisfactory — but not perfect — level, and observe what happens. Can you sit with the discomfort? Did things fall apart, or did it actually free up time and mental energy? You might be surprised by how much lighter life feels when “good enough” really is enough.

Whether it’s a colleague who makes jokes at your expense, a manager who consistently overlooks your contributions, or a partner who doesn’t help around the house, these types of situations can leave you feeling frustrated and unseen.

Raising these issues with the person involved can be tricky, but not doing so can lead to a sense of disempowerment. It may trigger feelings of helplessness (“there’s nothing I can do about it”) or thinking that a person’s choices are limited (“I have to put up with it or just leave”). This not only makes people feel stuck in unhappy situations, it can also impact on self-esteem. We may subtly begin to question whether our needs even matter (“maybe it’s not worth saying anything”).

I often remind clients that being assertive is not about getting your own way in every situation or in every aspect of a particular situation. Instead, it is about knowing and showing that your feelings and your needs matter. It is about believing in yourself and valuing your own voice enough to be willing to say out loud: what you are noticing about a situation; how it is making you feel; and what you would prefer to happen.

Assertive communication involves communicating your perspective in a clear and respectful way while remaining open to the other person’s point of view. It can be helpful to aim for a calm and respectful tone, while also being direct and honest. “I” statements are handy because they focus on your feelings and needs rather than assigning blame or criticism.

To help maintain a productive conversation, you might try using the following three sentence starters. This is not about choosing one, but about moving through them in sequence to communicate in a well-considered manner. The final one is particularly important as it requires you to be clear with yourself about what you would like out of the conversation.

• I’ve noticed…. (Describe the situation. Be specific and note any patterns you have observed)

• I feel… (Describe your emotional response to this situation. Remember that “I feel like you are being…” does not describe your emotional response)

• I’d prefer or I’d like… (Communicate clearly what you are hoping for)

These conversations can be really daunting, especially if you have been postponing them for some time. It’s pretty standard to feel nervous or uncomfortable, but remind yourself that your voice matters and that your goal is not to create conflict but to create space for mutual understanding.